“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad. ~Arnold H. Glasgow”—story of my life! HA! props to giselle, lizzie, becca, callie, mila, max!
so, i was supposed to read it for school, but of course there wasn’t enough time because there was so much else going on, so sparksnotes it was! but i’m almost done now, and i really really love it. its so interesting how discrimination and prejudice against blacks was so normal. if you think about living back then, would you just go along with social norm, or would you fight it, being the odd one out back then? i know its easy to say fight it now, because that’s now the social norm (thank god), but really think about you beliefs now that feel special to you, and they’re not normal, but you don’t feel embarrassed about them. if you have more than 3, i respect you!
hmm. when i think about it, my mind just instinctively telling me how much i hate it. i have been telling myself this for the past year. it’s scary, because i seriously believed i was going to be a professional dancer just a short year ago. and the scariest thing was, i could’ve. i had choices, i could have stayed in boston after i had the option to, and continued training there, guaranteeing a successful path. i could have stayed at washington, which is what my dream was. these choices were made by me, for a reason i don’t know, because my parents were there supporting whichever decision i made. it was those times when i wished my parents were those kind of parents that made the choices for their children, just in that moment, so i didn’t have to make the decision. i question my choices though, would i be happier right now leaving school at 12 everyday to dance into the night at washington? right now i would say i couldn’t stand it because education and friends are so important to me, but my priorities would be different. i guess i won’t be able to know, but its enough to know that i’m happy right now, so i can just make a biased assumption that i wouldn’t be as happy, or at least there’s no harm in telling myself that.
this past year has changed my life. high school. the work, the friends, the stress, the drama, the boys, and most of all, the confusion. that was my year of being insecure, defiant, stubborn, vain, dramatic, selfish, and lost. in all of this, my love for ballet faded, or at least i thought so. if anyone brought it up, i would either reply with ‘i don’t want to talk about it’ or ‘ugh, god, i hate it so much, i’m so excited to be gone with it next year’. now i understand part of it was me feeling embarrassed. for the first time in forever, i had been as you would say ‘rejected’ in the ballet world. and from the person i trusted most, my ballet teacher. she had always loved me, so i got the roles i wanted. sounds arrogant, but its true. i got everything in ballet. after nutcracker casting was put up, it felt like someone had punched me. flower corphee. i had been assuring my other friend earlier when she was having a confidence low and was saying she would get it, and i was saying how she wouldn’t, she was way too good for it. the only thing that got me through it was my 3 best friends were it too. but honestly, while we would joke and complain about it, there was something deeper that hit me by it. i felt like for the first time, ballet itself had betrayed me. it was always like a best friend there, reassuring me about everything, a shoulder to cry on, an outlet for my greatest joys. i felt like it was a best friend stabbing me in the back. i had great parts in the spring, my ‘make up’ for it, but it still just hurt, i couldn’t get over it. now i look back and i’m over nutcracker, but i’m not over just feeling like i have drifted from my best friend, and its been a year and were in the same class, but we sit on opposite ends of the room and just feel as though it would be too awkward to talk. i feel like i had a connection with ballet, it understood me, and i understood it, the passion, i guess… but it’s gone. but is my love for it still there?
ballet has put me through my own personal hell, putting my life in its own hands and it has manipulated me. of course, i understand that ballet isn’t what did this to me, its the people involved, but i can’t accept that, they just falls into the one category. it has made me stressed, torn a best friend from me by making me and that person to just compete to the point of not talking, taken me away from my love of school, screwing up my priorities, made me be known as ‘the ballet girl’, go anorexic when i was a mere age of 11, worry about my weight at all times, see young girls dreams get ripped away from them by adults cutting them down, see parents control their kids lives to the point of not letting them eat a cracker, and i have seen people hearts broken by the people they look up to most. when i think of all of this, i think how much it screws young kids up, forcing them to push out of their emotional and physical limits, without them even knowing it.
ballet has also just been a part of me. i loved it with all my heart, it was literally my life. it has not only put me through my own personal hell, but it has given me the closest taste to pure joy in my life. being onstage with everyone watching you, the thrill of the moment when you go onstage, your mind going blank and relying on your muscle memory and literally putting yourself on auto pilot and just the only thing you can focus on is how happy you are, and not being able to keep from smiling so wide it hurts. it has also given me a few friends that i don’t even think i deserve. they are genuinely some of the best people i have ever met. and i’m not saying this as being a best friend, but they are such good people. giselle has been my best friend for a few years, and just knows and understands me more than anyone else, even more than myself. i talk to her about everything. tay is also an oldie:) but i love her. i really do! she’s always been there, always a constant! lizzie is newer, but no less precious in my heart. she is such a good person, i feel like i don’t even deserve to call her my best friend. she always rises to the occasion, and is an interesting, just amazing person. i would trust either of them with my life. i love them with all my heart, but most of all, they are the 2 people that i respect the most out of everyone i know. they are the reason i decided to stay with ballet this year, and i think its the right choice for me.
i’m going to keep my blog updated on my ballet experiences this year, i just hope they don’t read unhappy.
“If you don’t have the support and love and caring and concern that you get from a family, you don’t have much at all. Love is so supremely important”—tuesdays with morrie again, sorry, but just amazing!
“So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”—From the book Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom, just finished it, most inspirational book I have EVER read! literally changed my life